A Little Piece of My Heart

I forget how to blog....

2009-11-14T11:43:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning feeling ready to share some bits and pieces of what the Lord has been doing in me. Starting school at Simpson entered me into possibly one of the hardest seasons of my life. Not because of classes, not because of homework, not because of Simpson boys with their "check lists". But because of what has been happening in my heart.

Before coming to Simpson I thought I had my theology figured out. "Ask me what I believe, and I'll tell you" I thought. But Bible classes have wrecked me and I feel as though I'm back where I began. "Jesus loves me this I know." And really, that's about all I know.

So many questions, so many thoughts, so many wounds and dark places the Lord is bringing up. I'm questioning not quite who I am, but in what ways God has gifted me? In what ways does he want me to use those gifts? What are the plans he has for my life? And how can I best glorify him? Is this strength that I have God-given? Or walls I have built up to protect my own heart? Is God the God I grew to know so intimately in my year of solitude? Or is he the God my professors tell me about? How can he be both?

Today I can tell you that in this season I have never felt so broken, so fragile, so undone, so humiliated in my entire life. And it's right where my Father has me. It's good. It's humbling. And so painful at the same time.

I'm so thankful for Sarah Bram who is always there to catch my tears and make perfect sense of my life. ;) I'm so thankful for Tiffany Aaserude who understands my heart more than anyone on this earth. I'm so thankful for Derrick Fleck who empowers me even when I'm weak and is there with open arms when I need a father's embrace. I'm so thankful for Becky Weber who plays a huge role in bringing me constant freedom from my chains. I'm so thankful for Nathan Edwardson who is constantly encouraging. And I'm so thankful for Julie Read and Jamie Metz, my prayer warriors, that seek the Lord with me like no other. You all are constant reminders of God's love and play a significant role in my life. I feel blessed beyond measure. I won't say "I couldn't do it without you" because with God I probably could. I would just be making some really bad decisions in the mean time. ;)

Thank you for blessing me. Thank you for encouraging me. You are what reminds me that this season is "good".

Farewell Sadie Sue

2009-05-02T21:26:00.000-07:00

My 13 year old yellow lab went to be with Jesus today. It's weird to think she's been around for over half my life! But she was old. Couldn't really walk. And barked at only God knows what. I think this is called being senile. But nonetheless, I will miss her.

She was a sweet and faithful dog right to the end.

The Desert Song- Hillsong

2009-04-30T13:21:00.000-07:00

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Chorus

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Chorus

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

Seattle

2009-04-11T23:06:00.000-07:00

Overwhelmed and Tongue Tied...

2009-04-01T01:10:00.000-07:00

That is me. It's the good kind of overwhelmed though. Where I feel as though I'm swimming in a really big pool of joy.

I can't explain what happened tonight. I can't explain what has happened this week or even these last 7 months. But I do know tonight was something HUGE. Way bigger than me and I have Jesus to thank for it.

This is just ONE example of my night:
I thought I left my phone at the prayer chapel tonight so I went back to get it. Standing in the hallway was someone I didn't expect to see. Someone who is really hard for me to love. Someone I have even hated at times. I went in and my phone wasn't there. Went back to my car and it was sitting there in the seat. I knew I had to go back in. So we talked. And we talked. And a few hours later I felt so much love, so much peace in my heart for this person. God had even put a verse on my heart all day and this verse was perfect for this person. It was meant to be. His timing is so perfect. He is so good.

"At the cross I lay myself at Your feet HOLDING NOTHING BACK."

Quick Update

2009-03-11T22:44:00.000-07:00

My life is crazy. Don't know where my time goes.

I started painting after some prophetic words. Awesome.

I am learning what love is. How to love. How to be loved. Funny, you would think I should already know this after 21 years of life... Nope.

I'm going back to school in the Fall. Don't know where, but I'm going.

I have learned so much this past month it feels as though it should have taken years. If you want to know more about this let's grab some coffee... I'm free from 11:45 to 11:55 Friday and 3 to 3:20 the following Monday... that is, 2 weeks from now.

I have become increasingly sarcastic the last few days. Should I feel bad for this?

Life Group (Narrative Theology) is ruining me.

And I am now addicted to this book. Can't put it down.

You should read it!

Nothing but Everything

2009-02-16T00:46:00.000-08:00

On my way home from church tonight all I could do was thank God for His great LOVE that surpasses all understanding. There is so much about my life that I don't understand right now. But in that one little moment of intimacy with Him, in that love encounter with Him, everything in the world that didn't make sense before all the sudden does because His love surpasses all understanding. My Father's love is all I need to know. I felt such an incredible peace on my drive home tonight. This song came on by Skillet (which was funny because I don't really like Skillet) and the words were perfect. I loved just being able to rest in Him, knowing that He is holding me. Here are the lyrics... or better yet, you should youtube it! Or something... :) May the same peace that washed over me wash over you.

Still, soft quietly spoken voice
That persistently calls my name
And quickens my heart to come
And I come

And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of Your grace
And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of You

Embraced in the promise of You
Is rest for the weary soul
Releasing all that is mine
I reach for You

And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of Your grace
And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of You

Take all the old and You make it new
Everything I give to You
You're the hope that can pull me through
Hallelujah

And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of Your grace
And I rest in the shelter of Your love
And I rest in the wonder of You

WAITING

2009-02-09T11:37:00.000-08:00

This topic has been churning in my head for such a long time. I feel that so many people try and force things. We decide to choose a path without waiting on the Lord and then years later we realize it was probably the wrong path to take. I used to live my life like this. I would bury myself in so many things that I thought were pleasing to God, only to realize later that was not His plan for my life at all. If I just would have waited, listened, and obeyed my life would have been so different now. Now don't get me wrong, I am NOT saying God is always going to show us the right path to take or make our decisions for us. We are grown ups and He has blessed us with minds to make our own choices. What I am saying is sometimes we jump into things too fast without seeking Him first. And sometimes He calls us to wait.

Waiting is also NOT a passive word. Just because God calls you to wait does NOT mean you get to sit around like a couch potato. Waiting is an action word. Allow me to use my own life for an example: In August the word "wait" was prophesied over me more times than once. When I began to ask God what this word meant He spoke to me very clearly about taking time off school. I remember one night in particular when I had a dream and He was saying, "I just want you to be with me" over and over again. So instead of attending classes I chose to spend my time with Him. Be with Him. Reading the Bible and other books like Captivating, Limiting God, and Jesus Wants to Save Christians. SO much better than the boring old history books! They make me think! You see, waiting does NOT mean, "Hey! Let's sit on our booties until God says to get off of them!" NO! In waiting we need to be stretching ourselves, growing, and have a joyful expectation for what is to come!

Look at the story of Abraham. God promised him a son out of his own body but Sarah was barren. He had to wait 24 years before Isaac was born and God's promise was fulfilled! But how much sooner would God have fulfilled this promise if Abraham had not brought Hagar and Ishmael into the picture! He planned, took things into his own hands, and got what God had already promised. Because of this Abraham's family was torn up. His two wives were in opposition of one another and God said of Ishmael, "He will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him" (Genesis 16:12) He was not the son of God's promise but of Abraham's plan. It was not until Ishmael was 14 that Isaac was born. Now look at Genesis 37 when Joseph was taken captive into Egypt. Who was it that did this? The Ishmaelites! This story continues all the way to today in the Middle East where Ishmael is still warring with Isaac. See how important it is to wait and not take things into our own hands?!

This morning I was looking for something and came across my mom's daily devotional. I opened right to a page on waiting and thought it was interesting. A good thought to end with! Here it is...

The Lord is wonderfully good to those who
wait for Him and seek Him. So it is good to
wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.
Lamentations 3:25-26

"Hurry to work; wait in traffic. Hurry to the bank before it closes; wait in line. Hurry to the doctor's office; wait to be called in. Hurry and wait. Hurry and wait. As woman, we do a lot of that. Somehow gaining control over our time and our schedules is more difficult than we ever imagined. We're always in a hurry and we never like to wait.

How can we learn to wait? Even more, how can we learn to wait for God? We always like to think that His timing and ours will match up eventually. Often, it's true. just as often, it's not. How can you wait in joy and in peace? How can you wait in holiness?

The Scripture says that it is "good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." What a great truth! Whenever we truly wait for the Lord, it is a matter of salvation. We're waiting to be saved from loneliness, or from illness, or from heartache. We're waiting to find the victory in life's drama and we're not sure our three little stones will be enough to knock over the Goliath we're facing. We're not sure, but we have hope. Why?

Because we know that the Lord is "wonderfully good" to those who wait for Him. He knows it's hard for us to wait. He knows we are finite. He knows and out of greater love for us than we could ever imagine, He waits for the perfect time to offer us salvation. He assures us that the wait is worthwhile."

"A Worthy Thought
How wonderful it would be if our trust
were so strong and our hope so victorious,
that the waiting was simply an
opportunity to prepare for the joy just ahead.
Wait for Him. It's a worthy thing to do."

After re-reading this I am reminded of the saying, "Sometimes what we think is great, God has so much greater!" WAIT FOR IT!!! I could say so much about all this! Waiting is so important and such a key part of following Jesus! I hope this speaks to you. It has changed my life drastically. And just a warning... be careful if you ask me about this in person because you could very easily get me all riled up. Just make sure you have time to spare! ;)

Thanks for reading! I know it was kinda long... :)

One of those weeks...

2009-02-05T20:25:00.000-08:00

Yep. It's one of those weeks when nothing seems to go right. When everything I was sure of has turned into a big ball of confusion. I feel like Satan has been after me every second of every day and I just can't seem to shake him. I guess I should have expected it when life has been so good. Isn't that when he attacks the most? Flippin jerk! Actually, I was thinking of words much stronger than that but Nate's reading... ;)

Prayers are needed. I feel like the cat.

My Faithful Lord

2009-01-26T00:42:00.000-08:00

I know I say this over and over again but seriously... it blows my mind how FAITHFUL God truly is!!! With everything that has been happening in my life I believe Him for the impossible. Honestly. I think I might even be able to move Mt. Shasta with God. And this was the Daily Bible Verse at christnotes.org on my Birthday (I look at it as His little Birthday gift to me), I must brag a little...

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."

Mark 10:27

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! God is healing our hearts! He is bringing restoration to families! He is so GOOD!!!

Did Hell Freeze Over?!

2009-01-22T00:03:00.000-08:00

Haha!

A few weeks ago the Lord started giving me visions of what was to come in my life, things that I had been praying for for a long time. And with that came the words, "Your family first". As many of you know, my relationship with my father has been a rough one. But in these last few months God has really been restoring my feelings towards him. The Stirring's "honor" series could not have come at a better time. I have chosen to forgive my dad and wrote everything I needed to forgive him for out on paper. I brought myself back to those places and situations, giving them to God and letting Him heal me of them. It was definitely an emotional roller coaster but a great one! With all of that I accepted the fact that my dad may not ever change and had planned on loving and honoring him just the way he was... but on Sunday God decided to answer more prayers than one.

My dad came to the morning service on Sunday and sat in the back with my mom. Derrick gave his message on honoring those who are hard to honor and how we can only do that through forgiveness. It was AMAZING! I think everyone cried at some point... me, my mom, my dad... wait! what?! yep. MY DAD. HE CRIED. Through the whole thing!!! Haha!

The next day my mom and I went to Sac and my dad called just to tell me he loved me and hoped we were having a good time. Not just once but twice! When I got home he wanted to see all the stuff I bought. He showed an interest in my life! Tuesday he again wanted to know how my day went. Tonight (Wednesday) I came home to find a Birthday card, roses, and a bottle of champagne on my dresser for my 21st Birthday. In the card he told me he was proud of me and that he loved me "very very much". He gave me a hug before he went to bed.

To some, this may seem like an every day occurrence with their father. For me, this is brand new. I keep asking myself, "Who the heck is this man?!" But I'm so excited to find out!

Praise God!!!!! He is so faithful!!!!!!!!!! :)

PS. It's my Birthday.

"Fully Loved"

2009-01-14T23:15:00.000-08:00

I was listening to Ian McIntosh today... there is this part in "Fully Loved".... song number 6?.. i believe... at about the 4 minute mark where he sings "There's no other love I know, it's You." It got to me. God IS love. How could I ever love another without the love of God? Impossible maybe?

1 John 4:7 says, "Let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." There is no other love we know! How exciting! I just love the lyrics to this song. Okay, I'm going to bed now... goodnight all!

Honor Continued...

2009-01-12T20:32:00.000-08:00

Sarah and I unpacked honor for three hours today. I told Jenna it was four but now I think it was three... Still a long time for one topic. Anyways, who's counting?

I left the church last night with too many emotions to know what to do with. You know how you get so emotional you don't know whether to laugh or cry so then you do both? Yeah, that was me. For 21 years I have lived with wounds and bitterness piling up from one man and now I'm supposed to know how to honor him because of who he is in Christ. For some, this may be easy. For me... talk about confusing! How do you honor a father who has never made an effort to know who you are? One who gets super irritated when you interrupt his TV show? Or newspaper reading? Or when you ask "too many" questions? How do you honor a father who thinks 5 words passed between the two of you counts as a conversation and probably a great one? Or one who puts football games before spending time with his family? How do you honor a father who thinks he has a good relationship with his daughter because there hasn't been a big blow up in the past month? Ha! That's my Dad!

As I looked around Sunday night I saw the broken hearts of an abandoned generation wondering how they could ever honor/respect their own mothers and fathers who had maybe never even been in the picture. I saw one girl leave early and I had known from talking with her before that her mother was a drug addict. Her wounds had been cut so deeply, straight to the heart. How can she come to that place of honor for her mother?

For me, and I will venture to say many others, it starts with healing. It starts with turning our hearts toward God and letting Him into the broken places. I even have to ask the Lord to show me what I need to forgive my parents for and begin to hand those things over to Him. I have to ask Him to show me how to forgive and how to honor all at the same time. Right now, honoring my father may even mean taking a step back from him to protect my heart from any further wounds while letting God heal the ones I already have. I want a relationship with my dad and if that means taking that step back to be healed so that I can better love and honor him later then that is how I will honor him now.

Something Sarah said that really hit home was "Who my dad is, is seperate from his behavior". It's so very true. The actions my dad takes are not who he is at all. I know he loves me. I know he also desires a relationship with me but his behavior says otherwise. We have to remember that and honor WHO are parents are in Christ not based on their behavior. It also helps me to remember they are wounded too.

"Father, I thank you for blessing me with two parents that are physically here. Thank you for blessing me with two parents that love me, that protect me, that provide for me. And thank you for the healing and restoration that is to come. God, thank you for Nate's message on honor. Thank you that you are shaping us into a generation marked by humility. Please reveal to us God what it is we need to forgive our parents for. Show us what it is that is keeping us from total freedom. Show us how to forgive them of those things. I ask that you would come into our broken hearts Lord and heal the damage that has been done. Show us how to honor our parents in this place of brokenness and eventually in wholeness. And I ask that you would give us your eyes for our parents Lord. Let us see them as you see them and teach us how to pray for them.

As Jenna said, this is our prayer, "Heal our hearts God, Please heal our hearts. Show us that you are mending them every time we humble ourselves."

We need you so desperately Lord!
This cannot happen without you.

Honor

2009-01-12T00:20:00.000-08:00

Tonight we talked about honor at the Stirring and it tore me up.

I have so many thoughts running through my head but my brain wont let me put any of them into words.

Ahhh.... frustration. Here's what I can get out:

I'm broken but yet set free all at the same time. I'm done letting my past shape who I become. I refuse the need to always be right and I'm choosing to walk more humbly than I have been.

I've been feeling like God wants to restore my family (which He does). But I realized tonight that it's not my entire family that He wants to restore quite yet. First, He wants to restore my feelings towards my family. There is healing to be done in my heart first. I choose to forgive. I choose to love. And I need Jesus to help me fully get through that process.

Nate said tonight, "Honor heals generations". Malachi 4:6 says, "He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers." I want this so badly it hurts and if by honoring my family will bring healing then I'm on it!

That's all i got for now!

Silence

2008-12-29T21:42:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't know, I work at the hospital as a Central Supply Technician. What is that..? Someone who stocks freight on the supply room shelves, inventories and stocks all of the storerooms in the hospital and is on constant demand from the nurses, doctors, and various other medical workers. Normally, my days are very fast pace... Phone ringing off the hook, stacks of papers with orders to fill, and a pile of freight to dispose of. However, due to the whopping 12 inpatients we had today, I got to clean the storerooms, aka... closets.

I don't like enclosed spaces, especially not dirty ones. And the dust makes me sneeze. But much to my surprise, I didn't mind today. It was nice to be in a room alone, away from all the chaos and I just let my mind wonder in the silence. I began thinking back over the last few months of my life and saw how faithful God had been. It's crazy to me how He knows just how much we can handle and right when we are ready to break or give up He gives us a little something more to hang on to. I wish I could describe the faithfulness of God but lately I have been too overwhelmed for words. God doesn't have to be faithful. He doesn't have to answer our prayers and yet He does. He chooses to! He loves to! There are an estimated 6.7 BILLION people living on this Earth and He's there with each and every one of us listening, loving, being good and faithful. How do we even deserve it?! And what about the Bible? Scripture gets me through my day. God speaks through scripture. He lives through Scripture. He breathes through scripture. He didn't have to write scripture... and yet He did. For us. As a LOVE STORY to us!!!

I cried in the closet today. And I realized something about myself that I never knew before...

I really love silence.

The Time Has Come

2008-12-11T23:27:00.000-08:00

Well, we had our last life group tonight at Eric and Kristyn's house. It was really great. We played signs with the help of lovely miss Adiah and had a taco bar with Erica's delicious 7 layer dip... if Heaven has a flavor I think that's what it would taste like.

It has been so wonderful spending time with this group; sharing life stories, praying for each other and our families, learning leadership skills, and diving into the word. I have learned so much from them. Most of the time I didn't say much because I was just letting Eric's wise words soak in. And Jenna! What a theologian!!!

It has been great getting to know each other, developing friendships, and growing tighter bonds. This is what life groups are all about... oh! and I guess Jesus has a pretty big part too! I'm sad it has to end but I'm so excited for this next season of our lives...

Dan, Narrative Theology... Here I come!

Flip Flops in December

2008-12-02T23:05:00.000-08:00

Seriously? I'm soooooo ready for rain.

Black Friday

2008-11-28T14:39:00.000-08:00

Shopping. 5am.
What a MAD HOUSE!!!

Crashing carts.
Empty shelves.
Long lines. Patiently waiting.
Brakes slamming.
Horns honking.
Bitter women not getting their way.
Fingers flying.
F Bombs dropping.

Who came up with this idea?
I will now be napping.

Remembering What I'm Thankful For

2008-11-28T00:12:00.000-08:00

1. My Stirring Family- There are no words to express how much each and every one of you mean to me. God has truly blessed me by you.

2. Captivating- This book has helped set me free and in that has allowed me to help others walk in that freedom as well. Ladies, if you have not read this book GO START NOW!!!

3. Warm Socks- My feet get really cold!

4. My Monday Meetings with Sarah- Our time together is very precious to me.

5. Having the Internet- It has been a long few months without it... I feel so connected with the world again! :)

6. Lower Gas Prices- No explanation needed. Whoop! Whoop!

7. The Peasant Princess- Mark Driscoll's series on Song of Songs.. What the heck?! So GOOD!!! Go check it out!

8. My Friends and Family- They are lovely and it is so great to see how God has and is moving in them.

9. Chai Tea Latte- No water. Soy milk.

10. My cozy bed that I'm about to fall into right about now...

This Man..

2008-11-26T13:07:00.000-08:00

Randy Miller. How amazing is he!?!!

On Sunday God called me to pray for him. I was listening for words of encouragement, wisdom, just whatever the Lord wanted to speak. However, as soon as I laid my hand on Randy the Holy Spirit swept me off my feet. It was not I who was meant to speak but God using him to speak to me. He had a myriad of angels surrounding him, I felt them. I felt their strength and the Spirit of God already working in Randy. It was overwhelming, tears filled up my eyes, and the Lord started speaking... "Randy is My faithful one and as he is faithful, I am faithful too."

Those of you who have spent time with Randy may have felt this. This overwhelming presence of God and all His glory. It absolutely blows my mind how Randy can stand and say that God is so good in the midst of all this. He talked about how he just feels so loved. How he is EXCITED for what God is doing and can't wait to see what happens next. When I read Kristyn's blog all I feel is encouragement. They have such a faith and such a hope. God is working and it is so evident in their lives! This is way bigger than cancer!

Randy and Kristyn,
I think I speak for many of us when I say I want to be encouraging TO you but instead I come away being encouraged BY you. God has given you His eyes to see this situation and through that has opened many others including my own. Thank you for the love you show one another and your family. God's favor is on you. And that faith of yours can and will move mountains!

Please join me in prayer for Randy, his wife Kristyn, and their children Connor and Gillian... Jesus has given us authority to overcome all the power of the Evil One. Please join me now in claiming that authority over and against this enemy called cancer. You are needed! This is a battle!

Life in the Desert

2008-11-23T23:23:00.000-08:00

In February of this year God began gently speaking to me about my busy life but I chose not to listen. I was taking 19 units at Shasta College with no clue what I wanted to do with my life. I was working 3 jobs, on staff at the Stirring, leading a life group, in a life group, and meeting with young women weekly. It was all for God, right?

In May He began screaming at me and called me into SOLITUDE. Finally, out of obedience to God, I stepped down from staff. I did not go to school in the Fall, quit one of my jobs, quit life groups for a short time, and stopped pouring into women. In the beginning of August I ended a 6 month relationship, moved back home to Cottonwood (talk about solitude), and my best friend, with whom I spent just about every day with, moved to Germany. It was one of the most difficult times of my life. I felt selfish for taking so much time for myself. Guilty for not meeting with young women anymore. And ashamed for not being able to handle it all.

Somewhere in between all of this chaos, God sent Sarah Bram (such an AMAZING woman) into my life. Sarah and I started reading through "Captivating" together, getting to such deep wounds I never even knew I had. Through our time together and in my solitude with God, He began healing those wounds, restoring me, and affirming me in who I am as a woman and leader. He "allured me into the desert to speak tenderly to me" (Hosea 2:14). I am soaking in Him, waiting in Him, and am now walking in a freedom I had never known before. I know who I am. And God is continuing to shape me into who He created me to be. Stretching and specifying my dreams and passions while giving me new ones. I am experiencing His joy and faithfulness. And He has filled me with his spirit using me to advance His Kingdom when I feel I have nothing to offer. I am so broken and yet Jesus' brokenness makes me whole.

Being obedient to the call of the Lord was so hard and yet so worth it! There is absolutely NOTHING that matters more than your connection and intimacy with God. Everything else in life can wait. Actually, what is "everything else" if your not connected with Him? Sometimes it is so hard to trust that he knows what's best but He is a faithful God and we are so DEARLY LOVED. God knows our hearts and knows what we need. We just have to listen to the call.

I'll take a crack at it...

2008-11-22T00:42:00.000-08:00

So I have decided to try out this whole blogging thing. I've been journaling like a mad woman and it's just not enough. God is doing so much in my life! It's time to share with the rest of the world instead of keeping this glorious season to myself! Now I just need to figure out how it all works... I feel a little ridiculous at the moment typing to myself seeing as I have no friends yet...

Do you even have "friends" in the blog world?